Show Notes

“Compliance can look neat on the outside while costing someone everything on the inside.”

– Shantelle Poynter

I wanted to talk about compliance because too many systems still treat it like proof that something is working. A child sits still, an adult masks well, someone follows the process without complaint, and everyone assumes that means they are fine. It doesn’t.

In this episode, I unpack the real cost of compliance, especially for neurodivergent people who are constantly expected to shape-shift to fit systems that were never designed with them in mind. I talk about masking, burnout, mental health, and the damage that happens when we reduce human behaviour to categories instead of asking better questions. Because looking regulated is not the same as feeling safe, and meeting expectations is not the same as being supported.

Highlights:

• Compliance often comes with a real human and psychological cost
• Categories do not capture the full reality of people’s needs
• Masking can look like coping while quietly draining someone dry
• Compassionate communication creates more safety than rigid systems ever will
• Better inclusion starts with better questions
• We need to ask who our systems are actually built for

This episode is really about what happens when we confuse silence with wellbeing, and obedience with support. The truth is, a lot of people are praised for coping when they are actually just surviving. That is not care. That is a system protecting its own comfort.

If we want more inclusive schools, workplaces, services, and communities, we need to get more honest about the price people are paying just to be seen as acceptable. Kindness matters. Curiosity matters. And the willingness to rethink the rules matters too.

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🔗 LINKS 

Website: https://shantellepoynter.com 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shantellepoynter/

Transcript

Shantelle Poynter: [00:01:01] Here's something I've been thinking about lately. Compliance is often rewarded like it's a virtue, being agreeable, being easy to work with and don't make things difficult. But for so many neurodivergent people, but also...

[00:01:18] not neurodivergent. Compliance isn't free and it comes at a cost. Why does this matter? Because we spend so much time talking about behaviour, good behaviour, appropriate behaviour, professional behaviour, but I actually think that the word behaviour is part of the problem. It might be an unpopular opinion but I said what I said because behaviour suggests a choice.

[00:01:46] It suggests that someone is simply deciding how to act, but human actions are rarely that simple or linear. We are complex individuals by nature. We are diverse and our actions are shaped by circumstance, situation, capacity and capability and all of those things are really dynamic. And when we ignore that,

[00:02:14] we misunderstand the person. Recently, I've had a couple of experiences that really brought this into focus for me. And I speak a lot about this with my children in that good humans can make poor choices. Not even that they can, they do. It is part of our learning experience. But the first one I've spoken about before,

[00:02:35] It was when I was filling out a form and one of the questions asked whether I had a disability. And there were so many different categories listed, but none of them actually described my experience or my diagnosis. And so I said, that doesn't really fit. And the response that I got was, just tick prefer not to say. But that wasn't what I had said. And I wasn't refusing.

[00:03:01] to answer, I actually did have a preference to say, but I didn't have the option. I was explaining that the categories themselves didn't actually afford me the opportunity to say, and that their categories then didn't allow a place for my reality. The flip side of that, and something that I find really interesting, is I had a similar situation with another organisation very recently.

[00:03:27] And their system wasn't able to access the usual adjustments that I would have in place. I don't like the word adjustments, but it is in their world what they know them as. So that's what we used. And I wasn't able to use that. But what they did differently and what I really found so powerful was that they communicated that with me before the event.

[00:03:52] and they were really compassionate and understanding in their approach. And what the driver was, was how can we help you, but also how do you think we could do this differently in the future? Because we really understand that you're probably not the only person that this would be helpful for, and we wanna learn more and understand more. It was the most wonderful demonstration of being kind first.

[00:04:16] then being curious and being open to learning. And I still right now get goosebumps when I talk about it because I was feeling in that moment everything that I advocate for and the feeling as an end user in my experience with them, a sense of a feeling that is unfortunately so unfamiliar, but it is so powerful and so wonderful.

[00:04:41] So I loved that they wanted to know that they were gonna keep working on this and this is exactly how accessibility should work. Not ever pretending that a system is perfect. It needs to be dynamic and it needs to be sustainable. We're not forcing people into categories. We need to be curious about understanding what those categories are and maybe we just get rid of the categories.

[00:05:05] Because again, if we are trying to arrange them into a category, then again, we're looking for compliance for that category. And what if we made considerations for all people instead of adjustments in response to a diagnosis? Our compliance culture, I feel, is so deeply embedded into every single system.

[00:05:29] people who are quiet, people who are agreeable and easy to manage are rewarded. We see them climb the corporate ladder and we're thinking that doesn't necessarily mean that they're really great and deserving of that circumstance. so sometimes it means that people have learned that survival requires adapting themselves to environments that weren't designed for them in mind and where we really see the significant gap in masking and

[00:05:54] that adaptation is exhausting. When you are constantly adjusting to communication, to energy, to reactions, to needs, just to make sure that things run as they're perceived as they should, it takes every bit of effort on a cellular level from a person. And I experience this daily. Research into neurodivergent masking, there's so much out there and it really shows that

[00:06:22] you know, the evidence is there saying that suppressing these natural responses and adapting behaviours to meet external expectations is 100 % associated with increased stress, anxiety and burnout. Basically, they're constantly managing to fit into environments that don't recognise that you might have different considerations or needs can have...

[00:06:47] a real psychological cost and we wonder why we are experiencing a significant mental health crisis. Honestly, I don't think that neurodivergent adults or those of neurodivergent children needed the research to confirm that because we bloody live it every day and it's hard work. If you wonder why it's so challenging going to the supermarket or a shopping centre, it's...

[00:07:11] because your senses have been overwhelmed. It's because, you know, there's situations that you have been in that other people really just take for granted don't have an impact on their ability to function.

[00:07:24] If we know compliance asks people to manage themselves to fit within a system, accessibility is asking us as a society to expand, ask better questions. What have we missed? Who did we actually design this for? Who do we actually want involved? Who have we inadvertently left out? And I'm a big believer in people don't know

[00:07:52] how to do different in some areas and typically when they have the information they will. And it is, a saying in our family, when we know different we do different because sometimes the additional education is all that was required to make an adjustment.

[00:08:08] If our system falls apart the moment a human is involved in it and shows up with some kind of differentiating factor than what the system was that we designed or the form that we've created, we have to understand that the system is not robust and it is flawed, not the person.

[00:08:29] Difference isn't the exception. It is the human experience. Everyone's brain works differently. Because everybody is different, just like you. We're all deserving of a positive human experience. So today, I ask you to go through your day, be kind, be curious, and stay open to learning.

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